There are lots of reasons why sex might be less of a priority now that you are a parent. Here we discuss some of the things that have changes and why you might be noticing less sexual interest.
The process of giving birth can changes one’s relationship to their body. The body transforms during pregnancy, and this can require adjustment both in body image and in relationship to bodily function. Sometimes women struggle to feel sexy or maintain connection to their sexual self when such changes are occurring. The process of childbirth can be traumatic, and can also result in vaginal trauma that may be associated either with a changed relationship to the genitals (e.g. fear, disgust, shame) or even with experiences of pain that carry on after the birth experience. In the initial post-partum stages are also big changes to the body, again related to body image and lasting changes to the body, but also due to hormones. For example, breast feeding individuals often experience vaginal dryness which may be associated with pain. Easing back into sexual relations following childbirth is something that should be done slowly and with a sense of experimentation and curiosity, rather than rushing back to intercourse activities. Use of sexual lubricant is also a must! Any experiences of sexual pain are likely to put a real damper on sexual interest.
Other changes relate more to the role of being a parent such as caring for children. Let’s face it! There are lots of joys that come with being a parent, but kids are hard work! They require your attention, resources, care, love and affection, and often without gratitude (maybe even a sense of entitlement!) They are there to test your limits and fill your schedule and drain your wallet. If you have any energy left after tending to them, chances are it’s not enough to fuel strong sexual desire. Additionally, the changes associated with becoming a parent – but even more so a “mom” can change how we view ourselves. In our society, motherhood isn’t seen as sexy, and being a caregiver is wrought with so many responsibilities that may prevent us viewing our selves as a sexual person (e.g. wiping bums, doing laundry, being a human climbing apparatus, being a chauffeur for kid’s activities, disciplining kids or setting boundaries,). Most moms describe that their needs go to the bottom of the priority list, but self-care, time to yourself and protected time for your relationship are all super important for maintaining desire. The sense of being sexual person, or feeling sexy, doesn’t come from the parent identity – it comes from your identity as an individual. Don’t forget to keep your personal identity a priority amid your busy life as parent. You may need to ask your partner for more support with this. Lastly, change sin relationship are super common – both changed perception of one’s partner, disagreements or building resentments, or simply not feeling prioritize in the “busy”ness of managing a household can all be reasons why sex is not as appealing.
So! There are a kagillion reasons why sex is less important – but what to can we about it? Many of the strategies that work for “low desire” work regardless of the reason. Open communication about the state of the relationship can help keep emotional connection and prevent resentment from building. If you are having conflict about how often you have sex, you might reach out to an experienced counsellor. Ask friends and family for support so that you can take a break and do things that are just for you, or for you as a couple. Remember also, that just because you don’t have a lot of desire, doesn’t mean you can’t have good sex, if you are open to it.
Disclaimer: The content offered in this blog is the content of Dr. Lauren Walker. Answers to questions are not exhaustive and are offered as potential ideas to begin to address sexual questions and concerns. The answers are not meant to replace medical advice or psychotherapy, and are included for educational and entertainment purposes.
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